I'm Not Fine

from Constant Reality Shifts by Conduit

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Again, the brothers characters is grieving in the loss of his mother, at the end stating that if he ever sees his father again, he will kill him for what he has done to their family.

lyrics

My sense of self is draining, and I've been contemplating, is this me or is there someone else inside me waiting? My sanity is questioned when you look into my eyes. I promise these thoughts are only brought when I'm alone.

I swear that I'm not angry, and I'm not sad.
In my mind, I think it's fine but your reactions disprove that.
Is what you want from me to be who I really am?

Don't listen to me when I talk in my sleep, and when the walls start breathing just hold on tightly.

Next time you say I'm fine, I won't take it so lightly. Next time you tell me I'm alright.

"Come on creator, what am I? I fucking breathe without thinking and I talk without listening and I need you, but you have more important things to worry about don't you? I'm sure you do. And every time I try to tell myself that it's all in my head, I get this feeling in my chest that I know all too well and it feels so good, but every time the outcome is so, it's so beautiful in my eyes but to everyone else it's sick. And I don't understand because I'm not sick."

Next time you say I'm fine, I won't take it so lightly. Next time you tell me I'm alright I won't believe you because I'm not fine, and I wish that you could see that in my head, my dreams are as real as me, and I don't know what that means.

But I'm not fine, and it's not okay with me. If this story ends and I'm not dead, then I won't have too much to live for now that she's gone, and it's all because of you, but your gone too.

If I ever see you again, I'll make sure you felt how they felt. Your tears will fall the way their's fell. You told me this was all my fault, but I never laid a hand on anyone I loved. That's why I always gone in YOUR way.

credits

from Constant Reality Shifts, released October 30, 2014

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Ryan Guenther Kingsville, Ontario

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